i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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