..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He? As in you personified your dick?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
