I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
