My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
