You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
