he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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