where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
