I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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