Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
