Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
