i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
