I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
