I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
