so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
