this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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