ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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