Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
