My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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