Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
