I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
