Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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