guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
