Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
