I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
