I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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