I just threw up on my dentist
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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