My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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