That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
