Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I AM VODKA MAN
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
