He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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