a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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