I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
