He disabled his match.com account in front of me
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
