i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
