You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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