whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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