mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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