my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
