apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
