Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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