i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
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