When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Randomize
