I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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