I met the friendliest cop last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
