His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
