WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
