What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
