dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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