She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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