How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
