When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
